Your Relationship and Negativity Bias

The human brain is more sensitive to negative information than it is to positive information. We’ve evolved to notice the negative, and even to interpret neutral information negatively.
 This tendency has evolved to keep us out of harm’s way, but it can be quite harmful for our closest relationships.

How might your negativity bias hurt your relationship?
 Here are a couple of examples:

Your partner says, “Did you call the plumber today?” You hear that as a criticism of your follow through skills. It could just be that your partner is asking a judgment-free question.

You come home from work tired and crabby. Your partner assumes that your crabbiness is aimed at them, and thinks you are being distant because you are upset about something they did or said.

So what can you do about this negativity bias?

1. Hold in mind that we humans are built this way. Remember that your perceptions of others are not always accurate. Back up and listen to your negative interpretations the way you would listen to your overdramatic friend. (She might be right, but she might be exaggerating).

2. Clarify with your partner: “I might be misinterpreting this. Are you asking about the plumber because you think I’m going to forget?”

3. When your partner is having a negative interpretation, reassure them. If your partner is reacting defensively to a neutral comment or question, remember that we’re built to interpret things negatively. Don’t get caught up in feeling badly when your partner is feeling defensive. That leads to a pointless back and forth of defensiveness. Just say that you didn’t mean it as a criticism.

In doing these things, you stay connected to your partner and stop the negativity bias from calling the shots in your relationship.

Is it time to get some help from an experienced couples therapist? Call 510-826-3359 or schedule a free phone consultation now.