How Much Alone Time is Normal in Couples?
Do you or your partner need “alone time?” What does it mean to you when your partner asks for it? Does it mean something negative about the relationship?
In the best of times in your relationship, one of you taking time to be alone doesn’t feel like a big deal. You separate and think fondly of each other, and then reunite and feel close again. But if you’re arguing and feeling less connected, the need for alone time starts to feel like a bad sign. It starts to feel like alone time is really about taking time away from your partner rather taking time to decompress and relax.
We like to think there’s an optimal standard of how things are done in healthy relationships. Sometimes people ask me what’s normal. How much time should be spent separately and how much together? There isn’t a right answer.
We each need a different amount of alone time to refuel and relax.
This is kind of like how we each have a very slightly different normal body temperature. Some of us are a bit above 98.6, and some of us are a bit below. In this case, the difference can be labeled being an introvert or an extrovert.
If you’re an introvert, spending a lot of time with people tires you. Too little time alone, and you start to feel irritable, distracted, and less open to the people you’re with. If you’re an extrovert, you tend to get energy by spending a lot of time with people. Too much alone time, and you feel bored, lonely, and unmotivated. We all fit somewhere on this continuum between introvert and extrovert. We each have a balance that feels comfortable between time alone and time with people. At the beginning of a relationship, even a hard-core introvert may want very little time alone. Being close to that new love feels so irresistible that a need for alone time temporarily goes to the back burner. At some point (often after three to six months) that need for alone time wriggles back in, regardless of how happy the relationship is. When you have an introvert and an extrovert together, it’s important understand those differing needs.
If alone time has become the source of hurt feelings or arguments, keep open mind. Get curious about what alone time does for each of you. Talk about what you think your optimal balance is, and make sure you’re not talking as if your balance is right, or that your partner’s optimal balance is wrong. When you’re both open to the idea that it’s perfectly normal to have different needs about this, you’ll be in a better state of mind to find solutions and compromise.
If you need some individualized help working through this issue, call or text us for a free consultation at 510-826-3359 or schedule online with one of our experienced couples therapists.
