How Much Alone Time is Normal for Couples?
Do you or your partner need “alone time?” What does it mean to you when your partner asks for it? Does it mean something negative about the relationship?
During the best of times in your relationship, one of you taking time to be alone doesn’t feel like a big deal. You separate and think fondly of each other, then reunite and feel close again. But if you’re arguing, stressed or feeling less connected, the need for alone time can be interpreted as a bad sign. It can feel like alone time is really about wanting to be away from our partner rather taking time to decompress, relax or practice self care.
We like to think there’s an optimal standard of how things are done in healthy relationships. Sometimes people ask me what’s normal. How much time should be spent separately and how much together? There isn’t one right answer.
We each need a different amount of alone time to refuel, connect with ourselves and relax.
This is kind of like how we each have a very slightly different normal body temperature. Some of us are a bit above 98.6, and some of us are a bit below. In this case, the difference is often labeled being an introvert or an extrovert. If you’re an introvert, spending a lot of time with people tires you. Too little time alone, and you start to feel irritable, distracted, and less open to the people you’re with. If you’re an extrovert, you tend to get energy by spending a lot of time with people. Too much alone time, and you feel bored, lonely, and unmotivated. We all fit somewhere on this continuum between introvert and extrovert. We each have a balance that feels comfortable between time alone and time with people.
At the beginning of a relationship, even a hard-core introvert may want very little time alone and a staunch extrovert may spend little time with their hobbies or other relationships.
Being close to that new love feels so irresistible in the beginning that a need for alone time temporarily goes to the back burner.
At some point (often after three to six months), that need for alone time wriggles back in, regardless of how happy or healthy the relationship is. When you have an introvert and an extrovert together, it’s especially important understand those differing needs.
If alone time has become the source of hurt feelings or arguments, keep open mind. Get curious about what alone time does for each of you. Talk about what you think your optimal balance is, and make sure you’re not talking as if your balance is right, or that your partner’s optimal balance is wrong. Work to listen well as your partner shares and make generous assumptions! Our minds have a way putting things on a binary when the truth is usually more nuanced.
When you’re both open to the idea that it’s perfectly normal to have different needs about this, you’ll be in a better state of mind to find solutions and compromise.
