Something From The Past Keeps Coming Up
You keep bringing up an upsetting incident from the past. Sometimes when you’re talking about a current conflict, that past incident occurs to you and you just can’t help but mention it. Again.
Maybe you fear that you’ll never resolve it. Every time you talk about it, it seems to get worse.
Maybe you talked this incident through at the time that it happened, but there’s some residue still bothering you.
There are two likely reasons that this past issue keeps coming up.
The first likely reason is that you didn’t really resolve it.
You tried to resolve it, but you never felt completely understood.
You and your partner got stuck somewhere in the conversation and you didn’t get through to the other side. Because you tried to resolve it at the time, you may feel like you’re not entitled to talk about it again, so you try not to. Then it pops out when you’re in an argument. There’s a part of you that needs more understanding, and that part of you jumps up and raises its hand.
The second likely reason this could be coming up now is that you and your partner are getting closer emotionally.
Trust is deepening, but there’s a part of you that feels afraid, and it says, “wait a minute, I’m not going to trust you more because that old issue still scares me! I don’t want to get hurt again.”
In either case, the old stuff does need to be talked about, and it doesn’t work to stick that conversation into the middle of an argument. That’s not leading to the healing you both need. What you need is a conversation dedicated to healing.
How do you start a healing conversation?
Start it when you’re feeling fond of each other.
Don’t wait until the next time this old issue comes up during a fight. Bring it up when you’re not mad or hurt.
This is hard to do. When you’re doing well together, you want to keep doing well together. You don’t want to bring up an old issue that might be painful to talk about. But that’s exactly when you’re going to be open-minded and resilient enough to have a different kind of conversation.
Start the conversation with the positive desire that’s driving it. Don’t say “something has been bothering me for 10 years and I want an apology.” Instead say, “I want us to move past this together. I want us to keep getting closer and I don’t want anything to hold us back from that.”
Don’t hesitate to get help from a couples therapist. We have training and experience to help you succeed in a healing conversation and keep you from falling into the same old conflict.
Don’t expect the conversation to go well the first time. You might stumble together, and that’s normal. But do commit to come back to it again. Don’t let it sneak up on you anymore.
