How to Find a Good Couples Therapist (Part 2 of 2)
Last time I talked about what kind of specialized training and experience you want to look for in a Couples Therapist. Read more about that here. You also need to know if they area good match for you and your partner.
Here are some important factors to consider:
The therapist doesn’t take your side
Most of us come to couples therapy secretly hoping the therapist will take our side and fix our partners. As appealing as that sounds, it doesn’t work. If you get the sense that a therapist is taking your side, you may need to find a different therapist.
Interview the therapist and find out whether you feel they can understand what you’re each going through. Talk to the therapist before having a session to get a feeling about whether you could each feel safe with them. The therapist won’t perform therapy over the phone, but you can get a sense of how they’ll see your issues, and whether they have hope for your relationship. If it is possible for both of you to talk to the therapist, together or separately, that’s even better.
The therapist notices your strengths
From the 1st session, you want to get a sense that they are asking about your strengths and understanding your relationship as a whole, not just focusing on the problems you have right now. Your strengths are what has brought and kept you together, and your therapist should respect and honor that. It also gives them something to build off of and come back to when times are tough.
The therapist has the right tone for you and your partner
Find out if you have a good personality match. There is no Couples Therapist who is right for every couple. If you tend to have volatile fights, look for someone with a big enough personality to interrupt you and take charge of the session. If, on the other hand, you tend to be overly well behaved and compliant, look for someone gentle and intuitive enough to notice that and bring out your honest feelings.
The therapist is culturally competent to work with you
Ask the hard questions. Do you want to know if they have experience working with same-sex couples? Do you want to know if they have experience with cross-cultural relationships? Do you want to know if they have any biases about polyamory? Would it help to know that they have children? Ask.
When you ask these questions, you’ll get a sense of both her experience and her comfort level in answering the question. You shouldn’t be in the position of educating your therapist about your culture or any area of your life. Therapy is your time.
