Tips from a Couples Therapist: How to Stay Calm During a Fight
Conflict in a relationship isn’t a sign of failure- it’s a sign you’re both still emotionally invested. In fact, how you fight matters more than what you fight about. It’s not the argument itself that causes harm, but the way the argument unfolds.
When conflict flares, it can feel like a wildfire—fast, consuming, and destructive. This is especially true for repeat arguments or issues. But what if we could learn to be the water instead of the flame? By weaving together emotional intelligence and mindful awareness, we can begin to see conflict not as a threat, but as an invitation: an opportunity to grow, connect, and love better.
The Physiology of a Fight: What’s Really Happening?
Often we see this pattern in couples: One partner brings up an issue in an attempt to resolve something that’s creating distance. Their partner maybe doesn’t agree or doesn’t want to talk about it. When the concern is raised to negatively, the listening partner winds up escalating the conflict, rejecting input through defensiveness or flees the conversation all together. This interaction tends to get progressively worse leading to even more reactivity for both. Empathy and creativity are out the window.
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, conflict often spirals because of what they call “flooding”- that moment when your nervous system is so overwhelmed with emotion that rational thinking shuts down. Your heart races. Your breath shortens. You’re no longer listening, you’re defending. You’re no longer solving, you’re surviving.
The ability to regulate one’s emotions is vital to a healthy, happy relationship.
It is each person’s responsibility to stay calm during a conflict. Self awareness and self accountability is key. Sadly many of us didn’t learn this skill in our early years but, the good news is, with some effort you can now. In therapy one thing we work on is strengthening each partners mindful awareness and self soothing skills.
Esther Perel reminds us that “conflict is not the end of love; it's the territory where love is tested.” But that test becomes almost impossible to pass when you're no longer present, when your body is in full fight-or-flight mode. So the first step in staying calm during conflict is recognizing when you’re no longer calm.
Tip #1: Know Your Body's Signals
Increased heart rate
Tense shoulders or jaw
Shallow breathing
Urge to walk away or yell
These signs don’t mean you're weak or incapable. They mean you're human. And once you can name it, you can tame it. When you notice these signals, its time to pause, not ramp it up.
Tip #2: Pause Before You React: The Power of the Time-Out
The Gottmans recommend a structured "Time-Out" when you notice you or your partner are becoming flooded. This isn't storming off or shutting down. It’s a conscious pause—what Perel might call a moment to preserve the “space between”—so that both partners can return to the conversation with clarity and kindness.
How to Take a Constructive Time-Out:
Signal it kindly: “I want to have this conversation, but I need 20 minutes to calm down.” We recommend you set at time to get back togehther. This can be especially calming for the partner who feels the internal pressure to “figure it out” right away.
Use the time wisely: Go for a walk, do breathing exercises, or listen to calming music. Remove your attention from thoughts that maintain the distress, like “I don’t have to take this” or “What a jerk, I’ll show them.”
Come back: Commit to returning to the conversation after the break. We often advise the person who ask for the break to be the one to bring the couple back to the conversation.
Taking a break isn’t avoidance; it’s maturity. It’s saying, “I care too much about this relationship to let it get hijacked by adrenaline.”
Tip #3: Calm Yourself
Restoring the sense of calm in yourself and each other helps create safety for difficult conversations. When we are in a heightened state it’s impossible to listen well and healthy conflict becomes unattainable. The more you practice soothing yourself, the more you can practice it together.
Here are five tips for calming yourself:
Regulate your breathing. When we are overwhelmed emotionally, we can find ourselves holding our breathe or breathing shallowly. Try sitting or laying down in a comfortable position. Shift your breathing by taking even, deep breaths from your belly. Take your time with each inhale and exhale.
Identify areas of tension in your body. You can start with your toes and work your way up the body, first tensing each muscle group then relaxing them.
Let this tension flow out. Notice how with each muscle group you can feel some level of warmth and heaviness. Be gentle with yourself in your body and thoughts.
Imagine a soothing image or place. Let yourself go somewhere calming in your thoughts. Take yourself on a cool forest walk amongst the redwoods in your mind. Seep into the soothing imagery and feelings.
Go outside or Look out the window. Simply notice what you are seeing, hearing, smelling and touching. I often tell couples: Look out the window. Find a squirrel. Mentally narrate what the squirrel is doing until your system is calmer.
Final Thoughts: Calm is a Practice, Not a Personality
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being humble enough to come back.
The real work of love is done in the mess— not the perfection.
Calm in conflict doesn’t mean you’re passive. It doesn’t mean you never raise your voice or never cry. It means you’re committed to staying emotionally engaged, even when it’s hard. It’s about protecting the connection, not your ego.
And remember: staying calm isn’t about staying silent. It’s about staying connected, even in the heat of the moment. So next time the storm rolls in, take a breath. You’re not failing. You’re just human.