Does Your Relationship Pass The "Friend Test"?
If you’re getting into a lot of conflict or disconnection with your partner, you may find that you’re speaking disrespectfully to each other. As couples therapists, we can teach you a lot of tools to turn this around. You may have read about some of those tools on this blog.
Here’s a simple but powerful tool to add to that toolbox. Let’s call it the “friend test.” As you find yourself speaking to your partner in an annoyed tone, ask yourself: “Would I talk to a friend this way?” If not, slow down and try again.
The Gottman Institute tells us that a strong friendship is the foundation of a successful long-term partner relationship.
You know how to speak with compassion and kindness, even when you’re annoyed. You probably do it every day with people other than your partner. Here’s an example: If a friend is meeting you for dinner and she’s 20 minutes late, you might feel a little annoyed, but you’d probably forgive her quickly, especially if she apologized. What if your partner is 20 minutes late? Would you use a harsher tone?
Using the friend test doesn’t always come naturally. We’re more likely to be rude or inconsiderate with those we are closest to. That doesn’t make it OK.
You’ll need to bring things up with your partner that you could let go of with a friend. You can work to stay kind and compassionate with your tone even when you talk about really difficult issues.
The friend test can help you get out of some of your worst default behaviors. We all fall into these behaviors. The goal is not to be perfect in your communication, but rather to keep getting back on track.
You may ask “Then what do I do with those negative feelings? Hide them?” The best short answer is: PAUSE. Feel those feelings. Let them move through you, and breathe. Give yourself a moment to feel your reaction before you say act or speak. Then as you begin to speak, use the friend test.
