Do You Have to Love Yourself To Have A Good Relationship?
As couples therapists, we help people heal and strengthen their relationships. Where does self-love fit in to that?
When you love yourself well, you’re able to have better relationships.
Sometimes you get the message that happiness must come from the inside, and that to rely on others for your happiness is a sign of weakness. The value of independence is a big one in our culture.
Then you get the message that another person can complete you, and that finding your soul mate is the key to happiness. If you’ve seen a romantic comedy in the past 100 years, you’re familiar with this concept.
Rather than believing either one of those messages, we find that there’s a synergy between one’s relationship to self and to another.
Both relationships need attention, and each strengthens the other.
Research over the past several decades has shown us that as humans we are wired to require close relationships in order to survive and thrive. We now know that from the first moments of life, humans need to bond as much as we need to eat. As adults, we still need close bonds in order to be healthy and fulfilled.
When you’re able to be emotionally close to another person, your ability to treat yourself well increases.
The reverse is also true. When you’re able to treat yourself well, you have a lot more energy to treat your partner and others close to you with kindness.
Your relationship to your self and your relationships to others are inextricably linked. Here’s a short exercise to strengthen both at once.
James Baraz, the author of Awakening Joy, offers this exercise designed to help you tap into self-love.
Picture someone in your life who loves and accepts you. You can choose your partner, a friend, or even your dog.
Close your eyes and imagine what they see when they look at you. See yourself as the precious and flawed person they know you to be.
What you’re likely to feel is not “Wow, I’m incredible! I’m the best!” You’re likely to see yourself as a good person with some wonderful qualities and also some loveable flaws. You’ll see yourself as deserving of love and compassion. When you see yourself that way, you’re experiencing self-love. This exercise lets you experience the link between the quality of your bonds with others and the quality of your self-love. Give it a try!
