How to Build Trust in Your Relationship
What makes a trusting relationship?
When we think about trust in couples, we often think about the presence or lack of big betrayals such as cheating, but trust is built not just by a lack of dramatic betrayals. In long-term relationships, trust is built (or eroded) in ordinary day-to-day interactions. John Gottman, Ph.D., founder of The Gottman Institute, has defined trust as “the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner.” You feel more trust as a couple when each of you believes your happiness matters to your partner, and that your partner cares about your feelings. If, on the other hand, you each believe that your feelings don’t matter to your mate, trust erodes. Eroding trust leads to loneliness in the relationship, living parallel but separate lives, and sometimes to big betrayals. So how do you build trust day to day?
Attunement, knowing, caring and communicating about what is going on in your partner’s internal world, is the most basic building block of trust. The more you respond to each other’s emotions, the more trust builds. Attunement doesn’t mean always responding perfectly or fixing your partner’s negative emotions. It just means that you acknowledge and invite your partner’s feelings and don’t turn away from them.
Attunement doesn’t come easily for everyone, but you can learn how to do it. The best way to get better at attunement is to practice when you are talking about topics that have nothing to do with conflict in the relationship. Once you feel comfortable with that, you can also improve your attunement during conflict.
Here are a few key skills you can practice to get better at attunement.
Ask really good questions. Include some questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no. Ask follow up questions that show you are curious. Ask questions that help your partner explore more deeply. For example, What was your day like? What’s it been like with your boss this week? How do you feel about the project you’re working on right now?
Reflect what you’re hearing out loud. Don’t be a parrot, repeating exactly the words you just heard, but rather show that you’re tuning in to your partner’s experience. For example “You seem really stressed about this. It sounds upsetting.”
Use non-verbal cues. Eye contact, vocalizing things like “uh huh,” nodding and showing facial expressions help your partner feel that you’re really there.
Need help building trust in your relationship? Schedule a free consultation now to find out how Couples Therapy or a Half-Day Workshop can help.
