A Couples Therapist's Problem With The Soul Mate Myth
As couples therapists, we work with a huge variety of couples and partners in all sorts of relationship configurations. A few relationship myths come up over and over again. One of the big ones is the soul mate myth.
Here’s the soul mate myth: There is a right person for you. When you’re with that right person, you feel understood, loved and cherished. Your relationship remains passionate throughout the decades based on the power of that soul mate bond.
Research from The Gottman Institute, Harvard University, and the University of Houston tell us that the more you believe in the concept of soul mates, the more difficult it will be to find long-term happiness in your relationship.
As couples therapists, this research doesn’t surprise us.
When you believe in the soul mate myth, you are more likely to think that a great relationship should be easy with your soul mate. Many people who believe in soul mates are disappointed or even alarmed when their relationship requires hard work such as couples therapy.
Let’s look at two couples. (These are composites of course, not real couples.)
Bob and Frank come into therapy believing that hard work, better communication and increased commitment will improve their relationship. They’re set up for success. When a painful conflict comes up, they are likely to believe that they can get through it. They don’t think that having a hard time is evidence that their relationship is doomed. Bob is likely to look over at Frank and think to himself: “This is difficult, but it means a lot that you’re sitting here with me.”
Bill and Pat come into therapy believing in the soul mate myth. They are experiencing a lot of conflict in their relationship, and that worries them. When conflict is painful, they begin see every problem as evidence that they’re in the wrong relationship. Bill is likely to look over at Pat and think: “What if my soul mate is still out there while I’m sitting here with you?”
When you attribute relationship success to finding the right person rather than doing the hard work, you may see the need for relationship work as a bad sign.
Going to couples therapy may feel like a failure rather than a sign of commitment. At Rising Relationship center, we work with partners and couples to change this narrative. When you’re both committed to working on things, that’s a sign of strength. All relationships face challenges and we know change is possible. Let go of the Soul Mate myth and start working on creating the closeness you want today. As I say to my clients, love is something you do not something you have.