How To Repair An Argument (It Takes Two To Make A Thing Go Right)

We all argue. We all make mistakes. In couples therapy, we teach people new ways to argue, and how to avoid destructive arguments. Just as important as arguing better is learning how to get back on track. Navigating a relationship is like driving in that you must constantly make small corrections to the wheel to get back on track. When an argument starts to escalate or when you mess up and say or do the wrong thing, success is all in the repairs. A repair is anything you do or say to try to make the interaction more positive.

I’ll give you an example at a failed repair attempt. I recently witnessed a couple out in the real world (not in therapy), having a difficult interaction. The man in this couple snapped at the woman, and the woman looked upset and stopped talking. He immediately saw what his impact was and apologized. He put his arm around her. He said, “let’s try that again.”

She stayed silent and turned away.

A successful repair has 2 parts: Making a repair and accepting a repair. It only works if both parts happen. Try to notice when your partner is attempting a repair, and then try to accept it. A repair can be an out and out apology, a show of affection, a joke, or a statement made to lighten things and rewind. In the couple I witnessed, he actually did all 3. If you stay in negative sentiment when your partner is trying to lighten things, it’s harder to come back from the argument.

While these moments seem small, successful repairs are one of the biggest predictors of whether your relationship will survive and thrive. The Gottman Institute discovered that couples who successfully make repairs during arguments and disagreements are more likely to thrive in their relationships long term.

Here are some of the phrases The Gottman Institute has observed couples using successfully:

“Please say that more gently”

“That felt like an insult”

“Can you rephrase that?”

“So how can I make things better?”

“I’m sorry”

“Let me try that again”

“I agree with part of what you’re saying”

“I see your point”

“I need to finish what I was saying”

“Can we take a break?”

“I need things to be calmer right now”

“We are getting off track”

“I understand”

“I love you”

There are no perfect phrases. Find what works for you. Just as important, notice when your partner is attempting to make a repair, and see it as an act of love.

Need some help repairing your interactions? Schedule a free consultation now and find out how Couples Therapy can help.