How to Give an Apology: Part 2 of 2

I talked last time about the key to a skillful apology. Now I’ll go over the six steps to forgiveness outlined by Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. When a couple is dealing with a big hurt, these six steps can help.

The goal of this six step apology is forgiveness deep enough that the hurt partner is willing to trust and take emotional risks again.

Many relationships don’t get all the way to this deep forgiveness. Often there’s been an attempt at forgiveness, but there has not been complete healing. The partners don’t talk about the incident anymore, but one partner has a wall up and isn’t wiling to put herself in a vulnerable position again.

Step 1: The hurt partner describes his or her pain as they experienced it. This person focuses on their experience and holds back from criticizing their partner. It is difficult to do this because when you’re hurt, you often want to blast the person who hurt you. Instead, the hurt person describes the pain they went through, naming the emotions.

Step 2: The listening partner shows that they hear and understand the hurt partner’s pain. He or she does not minimize the pain or their part in creating it. This person acknowledges the full extent of pain their partner experienced and stays out of defensiveness. This is hard to do because when you hear how much hurt you’ve caused, you usually feel defensive.

Step 3: The hurt partner shares the depth of their hurt. He or she begins to take the walls down, becoming vulnerable about the worst part of their emotions and fears in the incident.

Step 4: The listening partner expresses remorse. They genuinely tell the hurt partner, in their own words: “Your hurt is painful to me.” This is a difficult step, and it is the most important one. Read last weeks article in which I focused on this step.

Step 5: The hurt partner asks for the comfort they needed at the time of the incident.  She or he allows the listening partner to give that comfort, and describes what is needed now. For example: “ I need you to hold me and tell me it won’t happen again.”

Step 6: The couple rewrites their story. They redefine the incident as something they were able to overcome. They go over the incident and give new meaning to the pain they went through. Now when the incident comes up, they can comfort each other without the walls coming up.

The above six steps are not easy or simple. Couples sometimes get stuck on one or even all of the steps. If you are dealing with pain from a painful incident in your relationship, you may need help from an experienced Couples Therapist to complete this skillful apology and forgiveness.

At Rising Relationship Center, we frequently help couples work through betrayals and other painful incidents. Call us at 510-826-3359 or schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy might help.