Tips From A Couples Therapist: Don't Be Your Worst Self Over The Holidays
Last year I had to spend time with someone fairly unpleasant for a couple days around the holidays. She was bossy, controlling, and usually looking for what could go wrong rather than what could go right. She just wasn’t fun, and I had wanted the holidays to be fun. Did an unpleasant relative come and visit me? No. I was the unpleasant person I had to spend time with.
Sometimes around the holidays you may find that you’ve fallen into a role unconsciously.
My role was the bossy and controlling person. It started because I was trying to make some valuable and fun experiences happen for my family. That turned to forcing things and working too hard to have fun. That’s not fun for anyone.
For you, the role might be the bored, disengaged person. Or maybe you become the checked out person who is drinking too much, or the grown up who acts like a bratty child.
The holidays can do this to us. Don’t get too mad at yourself about this.
Perhaps you are around relatives who don’t bring out the best in you. Perhaps the holidays bring up expectations that you should feel or act a certain way. Perhaps you think you’re supposed to do too many things to make the holidays special. Those expectations can quickly turn into pressure. Add to that the fact that many of the people around you are also falling into roles they don’t really want, and it makes sense that the holidays are challenging.
That’s why this year my most important question is who I want to be rather than what I want to make happen.
I look forward to spending time with a much more pleasant version of myself. I might not get to as many events on time. I may or may not make as many baked goods. I might miss a few events that could have been fun.
I’ll focus instead on being present and kind. That’s good enough for me.
