In Couples Therapy, Why Does Your Therapist Make You Face Your Partner?
When you come to see one of us at the Bay Area Relationship Center, you’ll notice your therapist asks you to do something over and over in your therapy sessions. They ask you to turn and talk to your partner.
Imagine this: You’re feeling vulnerable, you just shared something difficult, and now you’re being asked to repeat yourself after turning to face your partner.
This practice often feels awkward and redundant. So… why do couples therapist do this?
When partners come in, we start by assessing what’s going on in the relationship, including what the problems are and what is going well. You can read more about the first session here. We create a plan together to help shift your communication patterns and improve your connection.
The majority of couples therapy is dedicated to helping you talk to each other in new ways.
Why do we direct you to talk to your partner? They are sitting right there next to you. Of course they already heard what you just told the therapist, right?!
We ask you to talk directly to your partner for a few reasons.
You get a chance to practice new tools. When you are mastering a new tool, you need to practice it right away. If we teach you a new way of starting a conversation and then send you home, you may never put it into practice. If you try it right there in the room with your therapist, you’re more likely to try it again at home.
Hearing directly from your partner is more powerful than listening to your partner talk to your therapist. When your partner looks right at you and says something important, you see the vulnerability on his or her face. AND, you’re able to show your partner that you’re listening.
You get a chance to make mistakes and get coached in the moment. While you’re learning a new way of talking to your partner, you’re going to fall back into old habits. It’s going to feel awkward, and naturally, we may want to avoid that discomfort! You’ll have moments when you get sidetracked and start arguing in the same old ways. In therapy, that’s not only normal, it’s valuable. By practicing right there in front of your therapist, you learn what to do when you make a mistake.
Do you have to face your partner the whole time you’re in therapy? No. You’ll be guided at times to talk to your therapist, and at other times to talk to your partner. Your therapist will often ask you important questions or help you get clear about what you are feeling, what might need expressing, and then direct you to face your partner again to express it. This gives you a chance to not only say what’s needed but have the experience of being heard.
Great therapy is uncomfortable at times. We’re here to hold you through the learning process.
If you’re wondering how your relationship could benefit from online couples therapy, call or text us at 510-826-3359 or schedule a confidential consultation.
