Tips from a Couples Therapist: Check Your Tone of Voice!
Have you been trying to use positive communication skills, but finding that things are not getting better in your relationship?
The problem might not be the words you’re using, but rather your tone of voice.
Many people have a tendency to hear the negativity in their partner’s tone of voice, but not notice their own negative tone. Sometimes when a person is recounting an argument, they will imitate their partner having a negative tone of voice, and attribute a calm and rational tone to their own voice.
As couples therapists, we often teach communication tools. Some of those tools include how to bring up difficult issues without blame, how to avoid defensiveness, how to compromise on difficult conflicts, and how to listen more deeply to each other.
As we are coaching couples on using these tools, one of the most common places we need to intervene is around tone of voice.
You can take a perfectly wonderful communication tool and ruin it by adding a negative tone of voice.
Here’s a common example of tone of voice ruining a perfectly good sentence:
“I’m sorry.”
Imagine that sentence given with a heartfelt tone of voice. That’s powerful.
Now imagine the many ways that sentence can become useless or even harmful:
The defensive, whiny tone of voice.
The shut down monotone voice.
The angry, sharp, loud tone of voice
The almost inaudible mumbled tone of voice while walking away.
If you’re getting stuck in a difficult conversation, check your tone. If your tone is negative, don’t keep pushing through the conversation. Take a breath, acknowledge your emotions, and try again.
