How to Give an Apology: Part 1 of 2

Have you ever apologized to your partner and it didn’t really help? Your apology might have been missing something.

When you apologize about something significant, something that had an impact on your loved one, you need to give a particular kind of apology. I’ll call it a skillful apology.

Sue Johnson is the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, one of the main methods we use here at The Bay Area Relationship Center. She’s broken down a skillful apology into several steps. Next week I’ll go over the whole process and give you all the steps.

Right now I’m going to talk about the most important step of a skillful apology. This step is what sets apart an apology that heals from an apology that falls flat. It is likely to get you to the other side of a painful incident. In this step you communicate that you understand how your loved one feels and that his or her hurt feelings hurt you too.

We hate apologizing this way.

It feels extremely frustrating to apologize and not be forgiven. A lot of relationships have experienced an incident that didn’t get resolved. Whenever they talk about the incident, one person might say: “I have apologized so many times about this.” Those apologies didn’t heal the situation because they didn’t include the heartfelt communication of “your hurt hurts me”. Both people are left feeling frustrated and unsatisfied.

It is hard to do this kind of apology. It doesn’t work to just say the words, and it isn’t something you can memorize. To make a skillful apology you have to take in the hurt feelings of your partner and feel them a little bit. We usually want to avoid that because it’s painful and it makes us feel guilty.

One reason a skillful apology often doesn’t happen is that both people have contributed something to a painful incident, so neither person is willing to take responsibility. It’s hard to do a skillful apology if you’re focused on what the other person has done. As soon as you focus on your loved one’s mistakes, saying or thinking: “this isn’t all my fault, you hold some of the responsibility too,” your apology fails. You have to focus 100% of your energy on communicating your remorse about your side of things. It is your partner’s business whether they also want to make things right with you.

So how do you do this important step?

You listen and make sure you understand your loved one’s hurt. Don’t judge whether they are over-reacting. Don’t decide whether you would be as hurt by the same situation, or whether your neighbor would be as hurt by the same situation. Stick with hearing how hurt your loved one is. Listen to their words and understand their emotions. Then take responsibility and say what impact your actions had on your partner. Talk about your sadness, that it hurts you that you caused that.

I’ve seen this kind of apology transform relationships that were stuck in disconnection, bringing them back to closeness. Unfortunately you can’t guarantee that result. You can’t wait to find out whether the apology will lead to forgiveness before you give it. We are all flawed, we all make mistakes, and we all unintentionally hurt the people we love the most. To make a skillful apology you must step into humility and vulnerability, and then you leave the rest up to your partner, knowing you’ve made a real apology.

Find out how an experienced couples therapist can help. Call 510-826-3359 or schedule a free consultation.