Tip From A Couples Therapist: How To Talk To An Unreasonable Person

Maybe you and your partner are both very reasonable people. But think about the last 3 or 4 times you acted wild or at least a little bit unreasonable. Chances are at least one of those was with your partner. If your partner were to do the same little self-assessment, they probably remembered at least one time when they were unreasonable with you. We are at our best and our worst in our closest relationships. That means that two lovely, kind and rational people in a relationship sometimes act unreasonable.

Maybe the person who’s being unreasonable is not your beloved. Maybe the person across from you is your parent, sibling, boss or ex. When just about anyone in your life is saying something totally unreasonable, try these 3 things so that things don’t get worse:

Listen

Allow them to get it out and help them feel heard. You aren’t agreeing or validating, just hearing them out.

Try some of these: “tell me more” “what else?” “I’m glad you’re telling me.”

Summarize

Don’t point out that what they are saying is totally absurd or enraging, and don’t analyze what they are saying. Just try to summarize it and see if they think you heard it.

Try these: “so you’re saying...” “Ok what I am getting is…”

Don’t respond…yet.

This one can be SO hard, but it really pays off when you want to de-escalate conflict. If the person you are talking to is being unreasonable, responding may bring out the unreasonable part of you. Breathe and pause. That gives you a chance to calm down your thoughts and slow your heart rate. When you return to the topic later (IF you return to it), you’ll have more choices because you will have thought of more possible responses.

Try something like: “Let me think about this.”

These get a lot easier with practice, so try them soon and notice the calm and sanity they bring you.

If you need some help with any of the important relationships in your life, find out how therapy can help. Call or text us now at 510-826-3359 or schedule a free and confidential consultation.