No One Wants to Feel Needy

We have some complicated thoughts and feelings about our emotional needs. None of us want to see ourselves as needy. Most of us prefer to see ourselves as low maintenance. If those close to us don’t anticipate our needs or don’t meet our needs, we are disappointed, and we often blame them. We might even say things like “any normal person would need this.” When you talk that way, you’re not really comfortable with your needs. The less comfortable you are with your needs, the more you’ll lash out at others or blame yourself when they aren’t met.

You might expect me to tell you right now that your emotional needs are all valid, and you should feel entitled to have the close people in your life meet every single one. But that’s not how it works. You aren’t responsible for meeting all the emotional needs of your loved ones, and you aren’t entitled to have all of yours met either.

I’m not making the argument that some codependency literature makes: that it is unhealthy to rely on others for your emotional needs. I’m advocating that people make requests rather than demands. When you find yourself with a need or a want, ask for help in a loving and vulnerable way. Your loved ones will be very likely to WANT to meet those needs when you approach them in this way.

Here’s a brief example: Everyone has a different set of feelings about their birthdays. You might want to get a phone call from your loved ones. You might want to be celebrated by having a small dinner or a big party. If you feel comfortable with whatever your needs are about your birthday, then you can make a request in a loving and open way. That gives your loved ones an opportunity to meet your needs without feeling like they are working hard to get it right or worried about messing up.

I’ve got a few exceptions. These are the needs I believe we actually ARE responsible for meeting for loved ones:

Respect: you should give and expect respect, meaning that you don’t express contempt for each other even when you’re angry or hurt. Don’t tolerate any eye rolling or put-downs in your close relationships.

Honesty: I’m not talking about demanding the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth here. As columnist Dan Savage often says: “A relationship is not a deposition.” Some hurtful things should never be said, and you are allowed to have some privacy. But you do need to tell the truth about how you feel and what you do and don’t want in your close relationships.

Compassion: You should expect and give compassion to your loved ones. That means you always TRY to understand what they are going through and what they are feeling. Sometimes it will be hard to understand each other. It is the trying that matters.

Find out how an experienced couples therapist can help. Call 510-826-3359 or schedule a free phone consultation now.