In Couples Communication, What You Don't Know Can Hurt You

I'm talking right now about knowing where you go wrong when you're in conflict together. Do you know your negative communication pattern?

Every couple gets stuck in some kind of negative communication pattern sometimes. When I ask couples to describe what happens for them when they aren’t getting along, and what their negative pattern is, it is common for them not to agree. There’s no shame in that. That’s part of why they are seeking help. A lot of times, the work of figuring out that pattern is the most challenging part of couples therapy.

A negative communication pattern happens when each person falls into a negative communication behavior. We all have some default negative behaviors we tend to fall into. We can think of these as our greatest hits.

Some default communication behaviors people might fall into are:

• Shutting down

• Withdrawing

• Walking away

• Stonewalling

• Criticizing

• Asking your partner to change

• Blaming

• Insisting on making a point

It is usually easy for us to identify the negative behaviors our partners fall into during conflict. We tend to see our own negative behaviors as only happening because we are reacting to our partner’s negative behaviors. In other words, we tend to blame our partners for the negative pattern.

If you’re thinking that your conflicts come out of nowhere, and your partner just starts acting unreasonable or unkind, it really doesn’t give you much to go on. You are left hoping that you can convince your partner to stop their bad behaviors or that maybe a couples therapist can get your partner to see their bad behaviors and stop them.

When you each know what YOUR default behavior is, you can make a lot of progress in identifying your negative communication pattern with your partner. You can’t change it until you know what it is. In couple communication, knowledge is power.

As soon as you find out what your defaults are, and what you’re contributing to making the pattern happen, you have a lot more power to change it.

What if you know your default behavior and you work on changing it, and things still don’t get better with your partner?

You’ve become aware and done an incredibly important piece of personal work. No matter what happens with the relationship you’re in right now, you’re wiser, and you have more power over how you want to respond to conflict as it comes up in your life.

More often, when you become aware of your default and the impact it has on others, your relationship changes. No relationship stays the same when one person changes what they are contributing.

If I ask you right now to describe your negative communication pattern, would you know where to start?

The most important place to start is ALWAYS with you.

Here are a few questions to think about to get started:

• When I’m feeling really stressed with my partner and we’re not getting along, what do I find myself doing?

• What do I find myself feeling?

• When I don’t like what my partner is doing, how do I respond?

You can go on from there to identify your communication pattern with your partner. You might need help from a couples therapist with specialized training to identify this pattern. Each couple’s pattern is unique, so working with a therapist who has extensive experience helping couples identify their patterns can help you speed up the process.

Find out how an experienced couples therapist can help. Call 510-826-3359 or schedule a free phone consultation.