Improve Couples Communication: Know Your Patterns

Couples TherapyPremarital CounselingWorkshops

Jul 17

Every couple gets stuck in some kind of negative communication pattern sometimes. When I ask couples to describe what happens for them when they aren’t getting along, and what their negative pattern is, it is not uncommon for them to disagree. There’s no shame in that. That’s part of why they are seeking help and we love supporting couples around this. Very often, the work of figuring out that pattern is the most challenging and most transformative part of couples therapy.

Awareness is the first step towards change. What is your negative cycle?

A negative communication pattern happens when each person falls into a negative communication behaviors. We all have some default negative behaviors we tend to fall into, especially when we are triggered in a fight with our sweetie. We can think of these as our greatest hits.

Some default communication behaviors people might fall into are:

Shutting down
Withdrawing
Walking away
Stonewalling
Criticizing
Yelling
Asking your partner to change
Blaming
Insisting on making a point

It is usually easy for us to identify the negative behaviors our partners. We tend to see our own negative behaviors as only happening in response to our partner. In other words, we tend to blame our partners for the negative pattern.

If you’re thinking that your conflicts come out of nowhere, and your partner just starts acting unreasonable or unkind, that doesn’t give you much to go on. You are left hoping that you can convince your partner to stop their bad behaviors or that maybe a couples therapist can get your partner to see their bad behaviors and stop them for you.

Hello?? Personal responsibility- Are you there?!?

Getting to know what YOUR default behavior is paramount. Only then can you make progress in identifying your negative communication pattern with your partner. You can’t change it until you know what it is. In couple communication, knowledge is power and we need to begin with our own part in it.

As soon as you find out what your defaults are, and what you’re contributing to making the pattern happen, you have a lot more power to change it.

What if you know your default behavior and you work on changing it, and things still don’t get better with your partner?

You’ve become aware and done an incredibly important piece of personal work. No matter what happens with the relationship you’re in right now, you’re wiser, and you have more power over how you want to respond to conflict as it comes up in your life.

More often, when you become aware of your default and the impact it has on others, your relationship naturally changes. No relationship stays the same when one person changes what they are contributing.

If I ask you right now to describe your negative communication pattern, would you know where to start?

Here are a few questions to think about:

When I’m feeling really stressed with my partner and we’re not getting along, what do I find myself doing?
What do I find myself feeling?
When I don’t like what my partner is doing, how do I respond?

This is the place to begin. After you get real about your end you can start shifting your relationship solo. Our hope is your partner does the same and that you can build this knowledge together, weaving in the ways you co-create the negative cycle. Each couple’s pattern is unique, so working with a therapist who has extensive experience and training helping couples can speed up the process.