Don’t Let This Doubt Erode Your Relationship

As A Couples Therapist, I often ask this question: What is getting in the way of you being the best partner you can be? For many people, the thing that gets in the way is the doubt that they are with the right person. For some, this doubt feels like a heavy secret that they are carrying around.

If this “not with the right person” thought is something you struggle with, I don’t want you to feel guilty, but I want you to think about what kind of power it has over you. Examine where that thought is coming from. One place the “not with the right person” thought comes from, even for very smart people like you, is romantic comedies. We are steeped in the myth of the soulmate, the RIGHT PERSON. This myth says that when you’re with the right person, you know. When you’re with the right person, your relationship is easy and you feel complete. Even if you are a critical thinker in most matters, this myth can seep in to your psyche. The “not with the right person” thought is available to all of us because we’re exposed to it over and over again. We might make fun of it, but we all recognize the line “you complete me.”

At the beginning of relationships, many people do feel that they are with the right person. The romantic and sexual bond feels powerful and perhaps even intoxicating. As time goes on, problems arise, some of your needs are not met, and the endorphin rushes are less frequent. You’re left with the doubt that perhaps you’re not with the right person after all.

Having the doubt is normal and unavoidable. What you decide to do with this doubt is the key to how it affects your relationship. You may choose to be influenced by that doubt and gather evidence that it is true, that you are not with the right person. You may start looking around for that right person. Even if you don’t cheat, when you are under the influence of the doubt, you erode your ability to be the best partner you can be. John Gottman, Ph.D of the Gottman Institute discovered that when people believe “I can do better,” they are less likely to tune in and connect with their partners. When you let that happen, your belief in a real or imagined alternative partner, the mythical right person, is damaging to your relationship.

Pay attention to how you let the thought “I could do better than this partner” influence you. Examine how this thought impacts your ability to be the best partner you can be.

Does it make you less warm towards your partner?

Does it make you more critical?

Does it make you less motivated to listen?

Does it make you less likely to take the small emotional risks that keep a relationship close?

Working on your relationship can be challenging, and we know how to help you out of these ruts. Call us today at 510-826-3359 for a free consultation, or schedule an appointment online now.