Your Partner Needs to Change: What Do You Do?
As a Couples Therapist, I hear from people who believe their partners need to make changes. I’m going to focus here on the changes you think your partner needs to make that affect you indirectly. Maybe your partner isn’t eating well, or isn’t leaving the job they hate, or is lonely but isn’t making plans with friends. If this is causing you distress, try this process.
Ask yourself these questions:
When I’m under the influence of this thought “My partner needs to...” how do I react? (Do you criticize, become impatient? Judge? Give unsolicited advice? Try to help? Get angry that your help isn’t appreciated?)
If I didn’t believe they need to make this change, who would I be? How would I feel and behave? (Would you be more kind, more patient, feel less compelled to fix the problem?)
Believing your partner needs to change is a trap. You can’t make them change, so you are stuck believing the reality you’re in is the wrong reality. What do you do about it?
You can let your partner know (while you are not angry or activated) how you feel about the issue. And you can offer your help. That’s it.
One of your important jobs as a partner is to let your partner follow their path. What they choose to do is their business. What if the thing you believe your partner needs to change is a deal breaker? What if you believe you can’t be with your partner if they don’t change? First check in with yourself when you’re feeling calm and open and see if it really is a deal breaker. Don’t rush it. Be honest with yourself. Remember that every relationship comes with a set of irreconcilable problems.
If it IS a deal breaker then YOU really need to change something. You need to let your partner know, with love and honesty, what you’ve discovered.
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