Why Do Couples Argue on Sunday Nights?

As Couples Therapists in San Francisco, we have worked with hundreds of couples. We work with a diversity of ages, cultures, orientations and issues. One thing we’ve noticed is that Sunday evening is a common time for couples to argue. The arguments may be about absolutely anything (or nothing). Couples argue about dishes or money or jealousy or friends. The reason people are actually arguing may have little to do with the topic of the argument. There is often another less conscious issue going on under the surface. Couples become distressed when they have been connected and anticipate that they will soon have to separate. If a couple has spent time together over the weekend and have built a feeling of closeness and connection, separating can feel painful. One or both people may feel a sense of dread that they’ll be apart and thrust back into busy work routines.

As adults, we are taught to feel proud of being independent and a little ashamed of our emotional needs. In the United States, we’re steeped in the value of individualism. We learn that it’s ok for children to have emotional needs, but grown ups should all be able to take care of themselves.

The problem is, this kind of individualism doesn’t really work. Research on adults in relationships shows us that adults function best when they feel safely and securely connected to at least one other adult. Humans evolved to thrive in close relationships. We are social animals and we function best when we have strong bonds with others. To learn more about the science behind this, check out A General Theory of Love by Lewis, Amini and Lannon or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.

Rather than dependence or independence, couples can strive to be interdependent. It may seem counterintuitive, but interdependence makes us more capable. When you feel connected and safe with another person, you are able to take risks and face challenges because you’ve got a soft place to land.

So what should we do about Sunday nights? Know that it’s normal to feel some distress about being separated. Perhaps this will allow you to hold each other a little bit closer at the end of the weekend rather than pushing each other away with an argument.

Is it time to get some professional, non-judgemental support for your relationship? Call now or use our online Schedule to set up a free consultation