What's Happening Underneath When You Argue?

Couples TherapyPremarital CounselingWorkshops

Nov 27

When you argue with your partner, there’s a lot going on inside of both of you. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and author of the book Hold Me Tight, tells us that when you’re in an argument with your partner, you’ve got different levels of emotion going on.

The top layer is the emotion you show your partner. Usually that is either anger or a lack of any emotion. Under that layer are some other, more vulnerable feelings. We all get caught in these moments where we are exhibiting one kind of feeling or behavior, like anger (shouting, fuming, storming off), and we’re experiencing something else our partner doesn’t even know about.

That more hidden emotion is usually hurt, sadness, fear, or shame. We really hate to feel those emotions, so it can be hard to acknowledge them.

So here’s an example: Juan plans to spend the evening out with some friends, and he tells Steve that he won’t be home until late. From there, they get caught in a difficult moment. Both of them are overwhelmed, and neither has any idea what is going on for the other.

Here’s how their conversation goes:

Steve: (in a harsh tone) That’s fine. I know you don’t ever want to spend time with me anymore, but whatever. You can do what you want.

Juan: (in a defensive tone) You’re being ridiculous. Now you’re having a huge reaction, and all I said is I’m going out tonight.

Steve: (shutting down completely) Fine!

Juan: Yeah, it is fine!

We’ve all been there. When we get hurt, or when we feel defensive, we want to protect ourselves, and we don’t want to risk getting hurt any further.

So what’s the experience underneath for this couple? Steve feels rejected. When he hears that Juan’s going out with friends, he feels excluded and unwanted. Juan feels criticized when he hears Steve’s harsh tone. He gets a hopeless feeling, and fears that he can never get it right for Steve, and that he’ll never be a good enough partner.

What can we do? We’ve got to find ways to deliver those more vulnerable feelings.

For Juan and Steve, the conversation could go something like this:

Steve: (sounding a bit sad) I feel a little left out. You didn’t do anything wrong, but I was hoping to spend time with you.

Juan: (sounding compassionate) I want to spend time with you too. I wish I could right now, but I already made these plans. Can we be together tomorrow, just you and me?

This is not an easy transformation. It takes a lot of trust. It can also be helpful to work with an experienced Couples Therapist who is trained in supporting partners through talking from this deeper place. At Rising Relationship Center, we love couples make this kind of transformation in their communication.