Resentment: Recognize, Clean up and Prevent It
Recognize It
We’re heading into the holiday season, a time when resentment can build. The first step to ending resentment is recognizing where the resentment is coming from. If you’re feeling resentful with your partner, it can come from one of 2 places.
You believe that you’re doing all the work and you’re pulling the other person along. If it weren’t for you, the relationship would not get the energy it needs. You’re always the one bringing up the important issues. You’re the one doing the heavy lifting. You’re tired of dragging the other person’s weight.
You believe you’re living your partner’s agenda. You’re sick of trying to please your partner. As hard as you try to make them happy, you feel like you’re often not quite making it with them. You’re so busy trying to please and appease that you don’t get to figure out what you want. It’s all about what they want.
These are two different flavors of resentment, the feeling that you’ve been putting up with something you shouldn’t have to put up with. In both cases, you’re reacting to your partner and their flaws, and you’re tired of the way they behave. You’re feeling pretty powerless to change it when you’re feeling resentful.
Clean It Up
Start by focusing on you, because you’re the only one you can control. Get very clear about what you feel and what you want. Your partner usually knows when you are resentful because it shows on your face and it is heard in the tone of your voice. It is obvious even when you’re trying to choose your words carefully. If you’re feeling angry, listen to that feeling. Don’t ignore it (See my article on anger). Then get ready to ask for what you need in an open way, non-blaming way.
Name your feelings and what you DO want, not what you don’t want.
Here’s an example: Your partner often stays up until 1 am working on her computer. You often say you’d rather go to bed together at 11. Whenever you bring it up, she says, “OK, I’ll work on it.” Whenever she stays up, you feel resentful because you’ve talked about this so many times.
To clean this up, you’ve got to name your feeling, ask clearly for what you want, and be open to the real answer. Most likely your partner doesn’t want or is not ready to give up that late night computer time. She may be appeasing you when she says she will work on it. To shift your side of this, you’ve got to tell her how you feel and ask for what you want “I feel disconnected from you at night. I would love to go to bed with you by 11 every night. Is there a way that could work for you?” If your partner says yes but doesn’t follow through, take that as a no. Then find a way to make bedtime work for you that doesn’t depend on your partner changing. (See my article: Your Partner Needs to Change). This might be hard, but it is easier than trying to change your partner’s habits. You’ve already tried that.
Another example:
Your partner wants you to spend every Thanksgiving with his mother. You’d rather spend some Thanksgivings with your close friends. You always back down because when you’ve brought it up, he’s gotten angry or hurt. You’ve been going along with this plan and building resentment over time. You’ve got to name your feeling, ask clearly for what you want, and be open to his answer. “I feel sad about missing out on Thanksgiving with my friends. I want to talk about making different plans for Thanksgiving some of the time.” If he becomes angry or hurt, listen to his feelings, and then insist on coming back to the issue until you feel your desires are being addressed. You are preserving your relationship by cleaning up this resentment.
Prevent resentment
To prevent resentment from building in the future, you’ll need to get clear about how you feel and what you want, ask for it clearly without criticizing your partner, and accept an answer of yes, no or maybe. This can be tough. It is a practice of radical acceptance, acknowledging what is rather than expecting what you think should be. Sometimes you have to find a new way to get what you want, acknowledging that your partner won’t be able to help. At those times you have to let go of believing that you are right and your partner is wrong. As difficult as this is, it is so much easier than living with resentment.
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