What Happens in the Argument Stays in the Argument... You Wish
Even some very happy couples can get nasty in arguments. When arguments escalate, we feel a whole mixture of painful emotions. We can go from sad to hurt and very quickly to angry. When you feel angry and hurt, it is easy to be aware of how hurtful your partner's words are, and very hard to realize the impact of your own words. Often when I help a couple debrief an argument, each person will be surprised to hear some of the things their partner claims they said. When you hear the impact your words had on your partner, you might feel like your words are taken out of context, or your partner is not understanding that you only said something hurtful in response to something your partner said (that was even worse!).
You may wish that you'd never have to revisit a bad argument. It was bad enough the first time, and you don't want to go back into it. You may wonder what good can come from talking about a fight. I use a structure with couples to debrief arguments called "The Aftermath of a Fight" from the Gottman Institute. This structure has the goals of helping you understand your partner's experience, helping you feel understood by your partner, and learning what you each could do differently next time.
Here is an overview of the steps.
Step 1: Name what you were feeling (from this list or name your own)
Defensive
Not listened to
My feelings got hurt
Totally flooded
Angry
Sad
Unloved
Misunderstood
Criticized
That my complaint was taken personally
Worried
Afraid
Unsafe
Out of control
Righteously indignant
Unfairly picked on
Stupid
Like leaving
Overwhelmed with emotion
Lonely
Ashamed
Step 2: Discuss and Validate Both Subjective Realties
Take turns to talk about how you each saw the situation, remember that neither of your perspectives are “wrong!” Focus on each of your feelings and needs. It is crucial that you validate your partner’s experience and communicate that you understand at least some of his or her perspective.
Step 3: Accept Responsibility - What Role Did You Play in this Fight?
What Set Me Up...
I’ve been very stressed and irritable lately
I’ve taken you for granted
I’ve been overly sensitive lately
I’ve been overly critical lately
I haven't shared very much of my inner world
I haven't been emotionally available
I’ve been depressed lately
I haven't asked for what I needed
I haven’t felt very much confidence in myself
I’ve been running on empty
I’ve needed to be alone
Step 4: Name one thing you'd like your partner to do differently in a similar situation AND one thing you'd like to do differently in a similar situation.
The great thing about this tool is that when you do it, you'll actually learn from the conflict and feel closer rather than letting the conflict erode the closeness in your relationship.
Find out how therapy can help. Call 510-826-3359 or schedule a free phone consultation.
