Is Your Relationship Lonely?
Loneliness can creep in to a relationship when you're not paying attention. Even if you were connected, intimate and passionate in the beginning, loneliness can find a way in over time. One big reason this happens is you both stop being courageous together. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of energy to start a relationship. You may not notice how much work you're doing because your beloved is so compelling in the beginning. Someone risks initiating the first kiss, you ask your mate thousands of questions, you go out of your way to be together, and you're generally taking lots of action to make the relationship happen. You each put yourselves in a vulnerable position and take the risk of letting yourself be truly known, flaws and all.
Loneliness creeps in when you stop trying to get to know your partner, and when you stop taking new risks to be known by your partner. You make an unconscious agreement to both be less aware. You stop asking new questions. You don't share your deeper emotional struggles. You don't bring up what isn't working for you in the relationship. You avoid the harder work.
People who have satisfying, close relationships over the long haul do it by staying a little bit courageous. The Gottman Institute has done longitudinal studies about relationships for over 40 years now. Their research shows us that couples who stay together and are happy do these things much more than couples who don't:
They ask each other new questions, or they ask the same questions again to get an update.
They challenge each other to stay emotionally present and they expend energy on the relationship.
They give each other attention, sometimes when they don't even feel like it.
These things take a little bit of effort every day. I know that couples can reconnect and feel close again because I see it happen all the time. You can refuse to settle for loneliness your relationship and take steps to banish it or prevent it. It will just take a little courage.
Time to get some help from an experienced couples therapist? Call us at 510-826-3359 or schedule a free phone consultation.
