How Do You Tell Your Story? (And Why It Matters More Than You Think)
What stories do you tell yourself about your relationship?
Which of these stories are actually good for your relationship, and which ones might be hurting your relationship? When I use the word story, I mean the things that have happened along with the meaning that you give those things. Our stories have a huge impact on us, even if we only tell them silently to ourselves.
I’ll give you an example to illustrate how powerful our stories can be. This is an imaginary couple, Carla and Pat, who have a lot in common with many real couples. Carla and Pat felt very drawn to each other when they met, and for the first few months of their relationship they had a strong and passionate connection. Then things got difficult. Carla wanted to have kids. Pat didn’t. Pat wanted to spend time and money on traveling, and Carla wanted to pay down debt and start saving. Pat wanted to get married, and Carla wasn’t ready. They even broke up and got back together a couple of times in the first two years. Then they worked through these things and made some compromises. They married after three years.
Let’s think about two ways Pat and Carla could tell their story. They could believe the story is about a couple overcoming obstacles and getting to a new and better place together. This couple fought hard for a close connection and they invested a lot of time and energy. They can get through anything because they have been tested and they know how to handle conflict. They both know what they want because they had to struggle to find out what was most important to each of them. Telling the story in this way would make their relationship more resilient. They could lean on this story in difficult times to return to their connection and deepen their commitment.
They could also tell the story a second way. They could believe the story is about a couple who has always struggled. Things have always been too difficult for them, and their love wasn’t enough to make their decisions easy. They had a lot of conflict early on, so it will probably happen again. Telling the story in this way would make their relationship weaker. When difficult issues come up, a negative story like this could lead them to feel less committed.
Consider these questions to examine what you believe about your relationship story:
When you think about your early relationship history, how do you feel about your partner?
How have you gotten through difficult times with your partner?
Are there unresolved parts of your story that you feel angry or sad about?
What have you learned from this relationship?
If you need some help changing the way you tell your story, couples therapy can help. At The Bay Area Relationship Center, we have helped all sorts of couples with shifting their stories. We have experience helping couples go through this process. Set up a free consultation online or give us a call today at 510-826-3359.
