What Good is Anger?

Anger gets a bad rap in Couples Therapy. When a client gets angry with their partner, often the well meaning therapist asks the angry person to soften the way they are talking, or to get in touch with other emotions, like sadness or hurt instead of anger. When we guide couples in communicating, we often teach tools that don’t allow much room for anger. This is enough to make an angry person feel angrier!

In the 70’s and 80’s, there were some couples therapists who told couples to go ahead and yell at each other to vent the anger. Many comedies have featured couples hitting each other with foam bats to vent the anger. But research shows us that “cathartic anger” doesn’t resolve or release anger. It builds it further. Expressing unfiltered anger also pushes people away. You just can’t pull your partner close when you’re angry.

Ignoring anger is not an option. You feel it physically. You may feel a tightening of your jaw, heat in your stomach, or a clenching of your back. This signal is saying something is not right. When you’re angry it’s because you believe there’s a breach of something that is important to you, a threat, an insult, an injustice or a betrayal. Your anger is telling you that something is unacceptable to you.

You need to listen to your anger and find out what it has to say. 

Think of all of your emotions as members of a committee. Anger needs to have a place at the table.  It tells you something is not right. Then you listen carefully and let other emotions in. Couples can’t reach new understanding while angry at each other, but anger can be a catalyst to start an important conversation with your partner. Anger may not get the seat at the head of the table, but if you listen to what it has to say, it will help you out and let other parts of you talk too.

Find out how therapy can help. Call 510-826-3359 or schedule online now.