“Contempt is Sulfuric Acid for Love” - John Gottman

Four particular behaviors predict that a couple will split or be miserable together: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Many happy couples engage in three of those behaviors from time to time, and the goal of good couples communication is to limit the behaviors and use their antidotes. For example, the antidote to defensiveness is taking some responsibility for the problem.

The one behavior that happy couples never engage in is contempt.

When you treat your partner with contempt, it means that you are acting as if your partner is somehow inferior to you. Contempt often comes across in a facial expression (there is a distinct dimple created, not a good look). It can come across in a tone of voice or sometimes in words. I think of contempt as criticism on steroids.

When one partner expresses contempt, it makes the recipient sick. The person receiving the contempt is more likely to become sick and die earlier because it causes suppression of the immune system. The reasons contempt shows up may be because resentment has built up over time, or because there has been a long term break down in communication.

If contempt is showing up in your relationship, it is time to get some serious intervention. The antidote to contempt is not a quick fix, but rather creating a culture of appreciation in the relationship. If the contemptuous partner is able to acknowledge the need for a radical shift, there may be hope. Contempt is a behavior you shouldn't tolerate.

Find out how an experienced couples therapist can help. Call 510-826-3359 or schedule online now.