Time Out!

As Couples Therapists, one of the skills we help couples with most is how to take a good time out in an argument. In the heat of a conflict with your partner, it can be extremely difficult to take a time out well.

Here's what often happens: One member of the couple is trying to get a point across, and wants to talk it out. The other person gets overwhelmed and shuts down. The shut down person may want to take a time out, and this feels like abandonment to the person who still wants to talk. Both of these people are feeling overwhelmed, and they are expressing it in different ways. When the argument escalates, one of them may end up leaving the conversation in a hurtful way. Perhaps a slammed door or an unkind comment will be the end of the scene. The time out they then take is painful for both of them. They are feeling disconnected and are reeling from what happened in the argument.

It is possible to take a better time out.

The key to a good time out is to make a plan ahead of time, WHEN YOU AREN'T ARGUING. Either one of you needs to have the freedom to stop a conversation any time you need to. Agree on this ahead of time, and then respect that need when either one of you asks for a time out. This will prevent a lot the damage that can be done when arguments escalate. You also need an agreement ahead of time that you will come back to the argument. This agreement prevents a lot of that feeling of abandonment for the person who would have preferred to keep talking.

Let it go for at least 30 minutes, enough time to let your nervous system calm down, and to get your thoughts out of the argument. When you return to the conversation, it will be different, every single time. You may get into an argument again, but you will notice that you're less reactive and more able to take in your partner's perspective.

Is it time to get some help from an experienced couples therapist? Call us at 510-826-3359 or schedule a free phone consultation.