How To Listen When You Really Don’t Want To
Sometimes your partner says something that’s really hard to hear. Maybe your sweetie is making a request you really don’t like, or saying something that sounds like a criticism. You’d like them to learn to say things differently, and that’s valid. Right now, let’s focus on the listening side of the conversation*. When your partner says something that’s hard to hear, you need to soothe yourself so that you don’t go into fight or flight. When you’re in fight or flight, you either get defensive and say something like “that’s not true!” or you shut down and behave like a brick wall. Either way, you’re not able to hear more of what your partner has to say. To stay out of fight or flight, focus on the present moment, breathe, and remind yourself that you are safe right now and you can handle hearing what your partner has to say. You don’t have to agree, but it is worth it to encourage your partner to share.
When you learn to listen even to the most difficult stuff, you create a culture of honesty and safety.
As you’re continuing to soothe yourself by breathing and staying in the present moment, give signals that you’re listening. If you’re feeling defensive or upset, you can say that without getting reactive so that your partner can help. Say something like “I’m starting to get upset, but I’m trying to hear you.” Ask curious questions to understand more. Avoid questions that shut things down, like “How could you think that?”
Spend more time deepening your understanding before you launch into your point of view.
I’ll give you an example.
John tells Sally he wants to take two months off from work this year. Sally immediately starts to feel panicked about their finances and she feels her heart rate go up. She would normally start telling John why taking time off is a terrible idea. Instead she decides to soothe herself and listen. She asks John to talk about what is bringing this on and what he’d like to do with time off. She spends a few minutes gaining a deeper understanding of what’s going on for him. Then she talks about her fears and her concerns. John feels heard and cared about, so he’s ready to take her fears seriously. They could easily have fallen into a polarized conversation, and now they have a good chance of finding a compromise or at least having a more productive argument.
*By the way, if your partner is verbally abusive, the advice in this article doesn’t apply, and you’ll need to handle things differently.
Need some help listening to the difficult stuff? Get some guidance from an experienced Couples Therapist. Set up a free consultation now.
