Can You Attend Couples Therapy By Yourself?

Your partner doesn’t want to come into therapy with you. Can you attend Couples Therapy by yourself? Yes, you can help your relationship by going to therapy by yourself. Here’s how it works. First make sure your therapist is skilled in Couples Therapy. When a therapist doesn’t have extensive training in Couples Therapy, he or she may inadvertently hurt your relationship. Every relationship in trouble falls into some negative patterns. Both people contribute to those patterns. If your therapist isn’t trained in what to look for, they can fall into blaming your partner (who they have never met) for your relationship problems. It can feel comforting to get support from a therapist in this way, and it’s always satisfying to feel like you're right, but it won’t help your relationship. Your therapist should be able to help you look at the stuff YOU contribute to the negative patterns and how that stuff impacts the relationship. Then you can learn new ways to behave and help create a new, better pattern.

There are 2 major parts to successful individual relationship therapy

1. Look at what you contribute to the problem.

Your therapist can help you identify what behavior you tend to fall into when you aren’t getting along with your partner. It often helps to find out where you learned that set of behaviors. You can then figure out how those behaviors impact your partner. You may find that your default behaviors set off or intensify your partner’s most upsetting behaviors. Your therapist can direct you in ways to talk to your partner between sessions for help with this part.

2. Learn new ways to respond.

Once you know what you do, why, and how it impacts your relationship, you can learn new ways to respond. A pattern always involves both of you. When you change in such a fundamental way, your relationship changes.

Here’s an example of relationship therapy for just one client:

Jane* came in to work on her relationship. Her wife Carol was not ready for therapy because she’d had some bad therapy experiences in the past. Jane couldn’t see this on her own, but in therapy she was able to identify that she gets critical and judgmental when they are not getting along. She discovered that she learned this critical and judgmental behavior as a child, because she couldn’t get a response from her parents without having a tantrum. This critical behavior was a kind of grown up tantrum. She asked Carol about how being criticized impacts her, and Carol shared that it makes her feel defensive and shut down. Jane’s therapist helped her prepare for this conversation so that they wouldn’t fall into a familiar argument.

Jane started learning new ways to respond to Carol. She discovered that when Carol becomes distant or quiet, that is when Jane feels least secure, and is most likely to fall into being critical. She learned some new responses, including asking directly for connection, and soothing herself.

*as always, names and identifying information have been changed beyond recognition.

What’s hard about going it alone?

Probably the hardest part about doing relationship therapy on your own is that your partner isn’t necessarily making changes at the same pace. You have less of a feeling of a shared project and journey. When your partner starts to see the benefits of the therapy on your relationship, they just may decide to join you for Couples Therapy.

If you're struggling with your relationship, or just want things to be a little better, set up a free consultation now to find out how therapy can help.