How To Bring Up A Problem
If you’ve got to bring up something with your mate that might be hard to talk about, try using “softened startup,” a tool the Gottman Institute developed to help couples have better conversations and less painful arguments. When I teach softened startup, sometimes people say “Oh, yeah, I know that: that’s an I statement.” Softened startup is more than an “I statement.” It’s got 3 parts. If you use all 3, you might be surprised how well it works.
State what you’re feeling. Use an emotion word, like “upset,” “angry”, “sad”, or “concerned.” Don’t say “I feel like you’re…” This is about your emotion. If you’re having a hard time pin pointing what your emotion is around this issue, slow down and tune in to yourself for a moment.
State what this is about. Describe the issue without blame, and just from your point of view. Don’t ascribe motives to your partner, and don’t talk about the other hundred times something similar happened. Stick to what this is about right now.
State what you want, in positive language. Don’t state what you don’t want. It may take you a moment to find the words for this. When you state what you DO want, your partner is given a recipe for success. When you state what you don’t want, you are more likely to create defensiveness in your partner.
To make this 3 step tool easy to remember, it’s Feel, About, Want. What do you FEEL, ABOUT what, and what do you WANT.
Here’s an example:
Carlos is hurt and angry that Shawn talked to other people during a party, and didn’t spend any time with him. On the way home, he’s stewing. Without softened startup, if he was trying to be as reasonable as possible he might say. “I don’t like it when you ignore me during parties. It happens a lot. I’d rather you didn’t ignore me all night.”
See, he used “I statements," but he could do much better. Here’s what he would say after learning the Gottman tool, softened startup: “I feel hurt and angry. I didn’t get to spend any time with you at the party. I want you to talk to me some of the time next time we are at a party.
The difference is subtle, but powerful. Carlos feels different after softened startup because he’s tuned in to his own feelings and he’s decided what he wants to ask for. Shawn feels different because she’s got a clear request to consider and respond to. She knows how to make it better next time, rather than just feeling defensive.
To make this scenario even better, Carlos could approach Shawn DURING the party and ask for some attention. But that’s for another blog post….
Need some help with your communication? Set up a free consultation now to find out how Couples Therapy or Individual Therapy can help.
