One Key to Ending a Communication Rut
If you find yourself in a communication rut, we have one key that can help you move forward: Stay emotionally responsive!
Why is this so difficult? It sounds simple, but requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Not only must you be in touch with your vulnerability, but then you have to show it to your partner. That can bring up a lot of shame and discomfort.
Most of us have learned to shut down vulnerability through blaming, defending, shutting down, criticizing, nagging, disappearing, ignoring, or getting very rational.
The bottom line is that you have to step out of all of the behaviors that push your partner away (blame, defensiveness, shut down, criticism), step in to speaking from your emotional experience, and tune into the emotional experience of your loved one. That is a lot of moving parts!
To make it even harder, when you DO become truly vulnerable with your loved ones, you may find that they don’t respond well at first. It may take them a few passes around to recognize that you’re being emotionally responsive and respond in-kind. It’s as if you’ve switched the music and they haven’t noticed the change in beat yet. It won’t help to demand that they be emotionally responsive in order to make it safe for you to be emotionally responsive.
Being truly vulnerable means loving with your whole heart, with no guarantee of reciprocity, or even of the relationship lasting. To give without expectation of receiving.
So what does this kind of emotional responsiveness look like? Sue Johnson, Author and Creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy has defined three qualities you need to embody in order to have a long-term satisfying and connected relationship. She uses the accronym A.R.E. It stands for:
Accessible: Be reachable. Be open, even when you feel unsure and afraid.
Responsive: Tune in and show your partner that their feelings matter to you.
Engaged: Give the kind of attention you would only give to a very close person. This includes pulling them close and being emotionally present.
Stepping into this way of being takes courage and for most of us it takes a little extra support. Working with an experienced couples therapist or relationship coach can help you get there. Most of us didn’t grow up learning how to do this!
Find out how a couples therapist can help you embrace vulnerability and responsiveness. Call or text us at 510-826-3359 or schedule online anytime right here.
