The Key to ending a Communication Rut
To end a communication rut, you have to stay emotionally responsive to your partner. As Couples Therapists we have a lot of tools and processes to help you get there, but the bottom line is that you have to step out of all of the behaviors that push your partner away (blame, defensiveness, shut down, criticism), step in to speaking from your emotional experience, and tune into the emotional experience of your loved one.
Why is this so difficult? It sounds simple, but being emotionally responsive with your partner is harder than boot camp. It requires being vulnerable. It requires letting them see your vulnerability. That brings up shame and discomfort. Most of us have learned to shut down vulnerability by blaming, defending, shutting down, criticizing, nagging, disappearing, ignoring, or getting very rational.
To make it even harder, when you become truly vulnerable with our partners, you may find that they don’t respond well at first. It may take them a few passes around to recognize that you’re being emotionally responsive. It’s as if you’ve switched the music and they haven’t noticed yet. You can’t demand that they get emotionally responsive in order to make it safe for you to be emotionally responsive. Being truly vulnerable means loving with your whole heart with no guarantee of reciprocity or even of the relationship lasting.
So what does this emotional responsiveness look like? I like to break things down into steps and categories. Sue Johnson, Author and Creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy has defined three qualities you need to embody in order to have a long-term satisfying and connected relationship:
Accessible: Be reachable. Be open even when you feel unsure and afraid.
Responsive: Tune in and show your partner that their feelings matter to you.
Engaged: Give the kind of attention you would only give to a very close person. This includes pulling them close and being emotionally present.
Stepping into this way of being takes courage, and for most of us it takes support.
Find out how an experienced couples therapist can help. Call 510-826-3359 or schedule online now.
