In Couples Therapy, It’s Their Fault

“The problems in this relationship are really more about my partner than me.”

Many people who come in for Couples Therapy believe this and many certainly send this message to their partner- in one way or another. I feel compassion for this. There have been times where I’ve believed it myself about my own relationship. And, as a couples therapist, I know it’s rarely true.

Relationships are full of cycles and patterns.  One person says this, and the other reacts by doing that. One person does this and the other reacts by saying that. It’s so temping to place blame. One could even see it as self protective. It takes a huge shift in thinking to see that the ‘how’ of our conflicts and ways we respond to disconnection are a shared responsibility.

Let’s say one partner tends to talk more when she feels disconnected or upset. She talks more to reach out and reconnect. She wants to figure it out- and now! When she doesn’t get much of a response, she feels more anxious. Then she may start to get demanding. Her partner might feel like he is often in a position of calming things down, smoothing things over. From his point of view, the problem in the relationship is her anxiety and her tendency to demand. He might come to Couples Therapy to get her to change this. To “be more rational” I often hear.

But then I hear from her. She is sad that he is unavailable. No matter how hard she tries to reach him, he goes quiet. Maybe he even leaves the room. She tries to be patient, but being shut out like that gets difficult, and sometimes she feels anxious about the relationship. It’s genuinely distressing. She worries that he will never make progress in being able to address conflict or express his feelings. She might come to Couples Therapy to get him to change this.

Each of them feels that their partner is the one who needs to make progress. Each feels frustrated and sad and alone. To make a big change in their relationship, both of them have to find the courage to take a fresh look at their problems. Significant progress can happen when one partner realizes on a gut level what impact their behavior has on their partner.

I love helping couples do this. I don’t love telling people that they are wrong, of course.  But the rewards of really seeing things from your partner’s point of view are huge. You don’t get to be right, but you do get to create a stronger relationship, and become your best selves together.

Would you like some support seeing your partner’s perspective? Ready to share the responsibility for change? Get in touch with one of our experienced Couples Therapists, we’d love to help.