In Couples Therapy, It’s Their Fault

“The problems in this relationship are really more about my partner than me.”

Most people who come in for Couples Therapy say or believe this, in one way or another. And I feel compassion for them. I’ve believed it myself, about my own relationship. The problem is it is almost never true.

Relationships are full of cycles and patterns.  One person says this, and the other reacts by doing that. One person changes a behavior, and the other reacts by changing too. We can’t help but see the problems in our relationships as more the other person’s fault. It takes a huge shift in thinking to see the conflicts and disconnection as arising from both of you.

Let’s say one partner tends to talk more when she feels disconnected or upset. She talks more to reach out and reconnect. When she doesn’t get much of a response, she feels more anxious. Then she may start to get demanding. Her partner might feel like he is in a position of always trying to be available enough. From his point of view, the problem in the relationship is her anxiety and her tendency to get demanding. He might come to Couples Therapy to get her to change this.

But then I hear from her. She is sad that he is unavailable. No matter how hard she tries to reach him, he shuts her out. She tries to be patient, but being shut out like that gets difficult, and sometimes she feels anxious about the relationship.  She worries that he will never make progress in being able to express his feelings.  She might come to Couples Therapy to get him to change this.

Each of them feels that their partner is the one who needs to make progress. Each feels frustrated and sad. To make a big change in their relationship, both of them have to find the courage to take a fresh look at their problems. Significant progress can happen when one partner realizes on a gut level what impact their behavior has on their partner.

I love helping couples do this. I don’t love telling people that they are wrong, of course.  But the rewards of really seeing things from your partner’s point of view are huge. You don’t get to be right, but you do get to create a stronger relationship, and become your best selves together.