In Couples Communication, Are You a Pursuer or a Withdrawer?
In the field of Couples Therapy, we often talk about “pursuers” and “withdrawers.” Many of us can identify with both of those roles at different times. Basically, if you find yourself amping up your behavior in arguments or in times of disconnection, you might be identified as a pursuer. If you find yourself shutting down in arguments or times of disconnection, you might be identified as a withdrawer.
Books in pop culture would have us think that women are pursuers and men are withdrawers. Having sat with hundreds of couples, I can say this is often not true. In heterosexual relationships, many men pursue, and many women withdraw. I’m mentioning this to help us all loosen the assumptions we’re taught to make.
In times of disconnection, pursuers do things and say things to try to re-establish connection. They are protesting the disconnection and want to reconnect. What they actually DO may not have that result at all.
In EFT we talk about pursuers “moving towards their partners” by… blaming, criticizing, telling their partners how to improve, making threats, getting pushy, prodding, and even blowing up in anger.
In EFT we talk about withdrawers "moving away from their partners" by... shutting down, defending, clamming up, and sometimes leaving. Withdrawers are not doing these thing because they don't care. After working with hundreds of withdrawers, I've learned over and over that when withdrawers pull away it is because the disconnection they are experiencing is distressing, and they are coping with that distress by "moving away."
One goal of Couples Therapy is to help both partners see their negative behavior and the impact it is having on the other. In my experience (both as a person in a long-term relationship and as a therapist) looking at your own behavior is only possible when you aren’t being judged, and when your feelings are understood. When we look at a pursuer’s behavior and the impact it has on the partner, we’ve got to also acknowledge the underlying motivation for it.
We also ALWAYS look at each partner’s behaviors and feelings in context of the pattern they are in together. Pursuers don’t fall into those patterns alone. Withdrawers don’t fall into their patterns alone. Every long-term couple has a negative communication pattern they can fall into. When we identify the pattern and understand it, couples gain the power to stand together seeing the pattern as the enemy, and seeing each other as allies.
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