Highly Sensitive People in Love
As a couples therapist, I talk a lot about people having different communication styles, and different fighting styles. Usually I explain this in terms of some people having a higher tolerance for volatility in arguments than others.
Highly sensitive people tend to fall on the far end of this continuum. If you are a highly sensitive person, you feel overwhelmed by conflict and especially volatile conflict. What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person? Elaine Aron, Ph.D., wrote the Highly Sensitive Person, and The Highly Sensitive Person in Love. If you are a highly sensitive person, you have some of the following attributes or preferences
-You are slow to warm up to people, and are described as shy
-You like to spend a lot of time either alone or with a small number of people
-You feel exhausted by crowds
-You feel overstimulated by loud noises and bright colors
-Your feelings are hurt fairly easily
-You tend to think deeply about things
-You feel bothered to scratchy fabrics and labels in your clothing
-You need down time to feel refreshed
Being highly sensitive has a big affect on the way you argue with your partner. Two highly sensitive people in a couple may find it fairly easy to find a comfortable way to communicate. If you are highly sensitive and your mate is not, you have some challenges. I’ll focus here on your challenges in arguments.
Here’s an example: In some couples, the highly sensitive person has been so overwhelmed and hurt by what their partner said in a fight, that they still feel hurt months or years later. I’ve heard sensitive people say, “It goes through my head over and over.” The partner of the highly sensitive person may feel frustrated, defensive, and may even feel as if there is no way to please their sensitive mate. They may feel as if they are walking on eggshells, as if they can’t win. They feel as if their partner is holding a grudge, and just doesn’t want to let things go. They end up accusing their partner of over-reacting.
It’s important to understand that highly sensitive people don’t tend to hold onto these things on purpose. Being highly sensitive is part of some people’s make up, and that sensitivity can’t be turned off. If one of you is highly sensitive, you need tools to get through arguments so that you both get heard. Each of you has every right to your feelings and your position in your conflicts. The tools will help you get those things across without accidentally leaving the highly sensitive person hurt and overwhelmed.
And if you are a highly sensitive person, do yourself a big favor and work towards understanding and embracing this aspect of yourself. Check out the book The Highly Sensitive Person to learn more. You’ll see that you’re not defective, and that there are a lot of ways to set up your life that compliment your style, so you’re not constantly swimming up stream.
