Highly Sensitive People in Love
As a couples therapist, I talk often about people having different communication styles and different conflict styles. Usually I explain this in terms of some people having a higher tolerance for volatility in arguments than others. For example, one partner may say they were yelled at, while the other partner remembers having only slightly raised their voice.
Highly sensitive people tend to fall on the far end of this “tolerance for volatility” continuum. If you are a highly sensitive person, you are more likely to feel overwhelmed by conflict, especially volatile conflict.
What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person (or an HSP)? Elaine Aron, Ph.D., wrote The Highly Sensitive Person and The Highly Sensitive Person in Love. She has been researching sensitivity (also called “Sensory Processing Sensitivity”) for over 20 years. About 15-20% of people fall into this category. If you are a highly sensitive person, you have some of the following attributes or preferences according to Elaine:
You are slow to warm up to people, and are described as shy
You like to spend a lot of time either alone or with a small number of people
You feel exhausted by crowds
You feel overstimulated by loud noises and bright colors
Your feelings are hurt fairly easily
You tend to think deeply about things
You feel bothered to scratchy fabrics and labels in your clothing
You need down time to feel refreshed
Being highly sensitive has a big effect on the way you argue with your partner.
When you’re highly sensitive, conflict isn’t easy. Two highly sensitive people in a couple can find a way through conflict peacefully. Both HSPs might prefer talking in calm voices and taking breaks if they feel overwhelmed. Sometimes in this configuration, conflict is avoided all together.
In discordant couples, where one is an HSP and the other is not, we have to work a little harder to find a way through conflict.
We see conflict as a necessary component to partnership, but the the “how” of your conflict is more important than the “why” of your conflict.
Here’s an example: In some couples, the highly sensitive person has been so overwhelmed and hurt by what their partner said in a fight, that they still feel hurt months or years later. I’ve heard sensitive people say, “It goes through my head over and over.”
The partner of the highly sensitive person may feel frustrated, defensive, and may even feel as if there is no way to please their sensitive mate.
They may feel as if they are walking on eggshells, as if they can’t win. They may tell themselves things like:
My partner holds grudges
My partner doesn’t WANT to let it go
My partner over-reacts
I can’t possibly say the right thing all the time
They may even end up feeling like a failure or that they just can’t “get it right”.
It’s important to understand that highly sensitive people don’t hold onto these things on purpose. Being highly sensitive is part of someone and that sensitivity can’t be turned off. If one of you is highly sensitive, you need tools to move through arguments- tools that leave everyone feeling heard and understood. We want you to move forward in a more constructive, connected way. Each of you has valid feelings (all feelings are valid!) and each of you has your own tendencies in your conflict patterns.
In couples therapy, we can build up your toolbox for navigating conflict wherein your individual differences are honored. We work together to help all partners communicate more effectively. Which helps you get your point across without accidentally leaving the highly sensitive person hurt and overwhelmed and without deprioritizing yourself and your own needs.
If you’re an HSP, it helps to understand and embrace this aspect of yourself. Check out the book The Highly Sensitive Person to learn more. You’re not defective and you can set up your life to allow you to feel more comfort and ease. Heck, you might even see conflict as an opportunity for closeness!
In couples therapy, we love supporting partners in navigating their differences. If you want to work with a therapist or coach that understands and respects your differences, you’re in the right place.
