Four Behaviors That Damage Your Relationship. Part 4: Contempt
For the past few weeks, we have been looking at the four most damaging behaviors in which couples can engage. The Gottman Institute calls these behaviors “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because their research shows that these behaviors are markers for divorce. In the last three posts, we looked at Stonewalling, Criticism, and Defensiveness. Finally, Contempt is the very worst of the four behaviors. Showing contempt means expressing in some way that one feels superior to their partner. One indication of contempt is rolling one's eyes. Another would be to make a disapproving face. There’s a particular facial expression that is specific to contempt. It involves lip pursing and it creates a dimple that does not occur with other facial expressions. The words people use when they are expressing contempt are similar to the words they would use with criticism, but even more negative and disdainful. “You’re ridiculous” is a typical statement showing contempt. Name-calling is another expression of contempt. Whether through words or tone or facial expression, there’s an air of superiority and looking down on the other person,
Contempt is the very worst of these four behaviors because it hurts the recipient immensely. The Gottman institute discovered that receiving contempt from a partner over time weakens a person's immune system. It actually makes a person sick to live with contempt.
Contempt is more dooming to a relationship than the other 3 behaviors. In happy relationships, those other 3 behaviors can make infrequent appearances. Not so with contempt. If contempt is present, it is a very bad sign for a relationship.
If you find yourself showing contempt for your partner, you must be disciplined about ending that behavior. If you are receiving contempt from your partner, you’ve got to set a boundary that you won’t accept it.
How do you stop contempt?
If you are convinced that your partner is inferior to you, you’ve got to change that story. You can’t save your relationship while you believe your partner is beneath you. This is a huge and necessary mindset change for the contemptuous partner. You’ve got to change your behavior during conflict. When you’re feeling angry, you’ve got to express that anger to your partner while maintaining respect. Do not place the problem in your partner. Describe your experience, not your partner. When you catch yourself rolling your eyes at your partner, stop. If you hear yourself name-calling, apologize. By making these changes, you are rooting out the contempt.
You will also have to make a big change in your friendship with your partner. If you’re feeling contempt, it means your emotional bank account is running on empty. You’ve lost your connection and need to put energy into rebuilding it. Begin by regularly expressing appreciation and admiration for your partner.
If you need help changing any of the four behaviors in this blog series, set up a free consultation. We have helped hundreds of couples turn these behaviors around.
