Why EFT Works So Well for Queer Couples
Emotionally Focused Therapy is one of the most effective approaches to couples therapy. Research shows that about 70-75% of couples move from distress to feeling good again. And it turns out it's a particularly natural fit for LGBTQ+ couples.
Let's talk about why.
What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?
EFT is all about the emotional connection between you and your partner. Instead of just teaching communication techniques, it gets underneath the surface into the feelings and fears that are actually driving your conflicts so you can strengthen your partnership with deeper understanding.
Here's the basic idea: most fights aren't really about what they seem to be about on the surface. The argument about dishes? Underneath that, there's usually something deeper: Do I matter to you? Will you be there for me when I need you? Am I safe here?
When we feel uncertain, we protect ourselves. Some of us might be more vocal in expressing ourselves, while others shut down or withdraw.
And that can start a loop: the more one person pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues.
Both people are trying to protect themselves and the relationship, but because they are caught in this loop (called "The Cycle" in EFT), they end up further apart.
EFT helps you slow down and have different kinds of conversations–the kind where you can actually be vulnerable with each other and begin to rebuild your connection.
How It Works
EFT generally moves through three phases:
First, we slow down the cycle. You start to see the pattern you're stuck in –the triggers, the ways you each react that keep the cycle going. Just being able to name the pattern is huge.
Then, we go deeper. This is where you get into the vulnerable stuff–the fears, the longings, the deeper attachment needs that are driving everything. You start having conversations you might never have had before.
Finally, you practice. You take what you've learned and apply it to real life. The old triggers don't disappear, but now you have new ways of responding to each other.
The goal isn't just better communication skills. It's actually feeling more securely connected, knowing you can count on each other.
Why EFT Is a Natural Fit for LGBTQ+ Couples
EFT is built on the concept of "attachment." Attachment is the idea that every human is wired to need connection and safety with the people we love.
It Doesn't Rely on Gender Roles
Some older couples therapy models make assumptions about "masculine" and "feminine" dynamics–who does what, who feels what. EFT doesn't do that. It looks at attachment "positions" (like if you tend to "pursue" and be more vocal or "withdraw" and tend to avoid) without assuming those are gendered. So there's no awkward translating or working around assumptions that don't fit your relationship.
It Creates Space for Healing Old Wounds
Everyone brings stuff into their relationships: old hurts, family dynamics, past experiences that shaped how we connect (or struggle to connect) with people we love. That's just being human. EFT is built to work with that, whatever form it takes.
And if some of your experiences happen to be related to identity–family rejection, years of absorbing messages that something was "wrong" with you, discrimination that left a mark– having an EFT therapist who understands the queer community (like us!) means you won't have to over-explain or translate.
The Research Backs It Up
Studies confirm EFT works well across different kinds of relationships (Beasley & Ager, 2019; Spengler et al., 2024). And there's been growing research specifically on using EFT with LGBTQ+ couples:
Researchers have written about how EFT meets the specific needs of gay and lesbian relationships, particularly around minority stress (Allan & Johnson, 2017)
A 2024 study gathered expert consensus on best practices for EFT with same-sex couples (Hayes, Johnson & Allan, 2024)
What Affirming EFT Looks Like
A 2024 study asked LGBTQ+ clients what they actually needed from their EFT therapists (Hayes, Allan & Johnson, 2024). Here's what they said:
Someone who understands queer culture and lived experience
No heteronormative assumptions
Explicit safety around identity
Recognition of how minority stress can show up in relationship patterns
Here's what that looks like in practice:
They get queer culture and lived experience. You won't have to explain the basics or provide context for everything. Your therapist understands the landscape. That means you can get to the real work faster.
They don't make assumptions. About who does what, about how your relationship "should" work, about your levels of outness, about your family dynamics. They ask, they listen, and they let you define your own relationship.
They create explicit safety around identity. Partners might have different relationships with their identities. A good therapist holds space for that complexity and makes it safe to explore.
They see the bigger picture. Discrimination, microaggressions, years of navigating systems that weren't designed for you– the impact of that can show up in your relationship. An affirming therapist helps you recognize when outside context, pressure, or shame is creating tension inside your relationship, so you can face it together.
How We Use EFT at Rising Relationship Center
EFT is one of our core approaches but it’s not a rigid script. We bring it to life based on your actual relationship.
That means understanding your context and building on the strengths you already have.
We also combine EFT with other approaches, like the Gottman Method, to serve you best. Whatever helps you get where you want to go.
EFT gives us a framework for your emotional world and relational needs. Your relationship shows us how to create the connection you really want.
Ready to Get Started?
If you're looking for a therapist who knows EFT and queer relationships, we're here for you.
References
Allan, R., & Johnson, S. M. (2017). Conceptual and application issues: Emotionally focused therapy with gay male couples. In D. Greenan & G. Tunnell (Eds.), Couple therapy with gay men. Guilford Press.
Beasley, C. C., & Ager, R. (2019). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Systematic Review of Its Effectiveness over the past 19 Years. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 16(2), 144-159. https://doi.org/10.1080/23761407.2018.1563013
Hayes, L., Allan, R., & Johnson, S. M. (2024). "Be open to all those ways that people can live their lives:" LGBTQ+ client recommendations for adapting Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12714
Hayes, L., Johnson, S. M., & Allan, R. (2024). Developing guidelines on EFT for same-sex/gender relationships: Recommendations from a Delphi study. Family Process. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.13033
Spengler, E. S., Krentzman, A. R., & Ilgen, M. A. (2024). Emotionally focused therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12687
