When Your Solutions Are Not Helpful
Here’s something that happens over and over again for most couples: you jump in and try to solve a problem before you completely understand what your partner is feeling.
You’re smart. You’ve got great ideas...but premature solutions are rarely embraced.
One situation when premature solutions can happen is when your partner comes to you with a problem. He’s complaining and venting at length about an issue with his job or friends. You see a very clear and easy solution and you offer it…and he’s upset with you. You were trying to help, and you got in trouble. Why? He needed understanding before advice.
Rather than offering solutions, offer understanding, and let her know that you understand what she’s feeling and why. You’re giving her a lot when you express empathy and allow her to fully vent.
Then you can ask: “Can I offer some feedback? Do you want my point of view?” If she doesn’t want your point of view right away, don’t take it personally. Sometimes she just needs you to listen.
The other time premature solutions happen is when you and your partner are talking about an issue that affects both of you.
This is harder to navigate because you each have your own point of view and you both need to be heard. It’s very tempting to jump in with solutions to the problem and to insist that your solution be heard. Before any solution can be embraced, you need to not only understand your partner’s feelings about the issue, but also let him know you understand. He needs to do the same for you.
When you both feel fully understood before you find a solution, you’re able to come up with something that works for both of you.
With full understanding, couples can solve the most complex and sensitive problems.
Without full understanding, it’s hard to solve even a simple problem. So take a deep breath and listen. Don’t worry. You’ll get to the solution soon.
