One Key To Better Communication: Self-Soothing
There are times in life when you need to self-soothe. Some of the times you might need to calm yourself down might be in a traffic jam, when you’re about to do public speaking, or when you’re having a difficult talk with your boss. One of the times you may not expect to have to self-soothe is when you’re talking to your sweetie. Yet interactions in your closest relationship are likely to bring up a stress response fairly often. Some people feel confused or see it as a bad sign for the relationship when conflict is so distressing. It’s actually normal. Your brain is wired to see any threat to your primary relationship as a threat to your very survival. You’re more likely to go into fight or flight with your partner than anyone else, even if your partner is speaking to you in a respectful way.
If you can practice the skill of self-soothing you’ll start to notice when you’re beginning to feel stress. Once that happens you’ll be able to stay in challenging conversations. If you’re emotionally flooded and in fight or flight mode, you might need a ‘time out’ to come back to a productive conversation. Those are the times when you’re furious or frightened, you aren’t thinking clearly, and you’re likely to either shut down completely or say something damaging.
When you can stay in the conversation with an open mind and open heart, that’s even better. If you’re in a moment when your partner is telling you something that’s hard to hear, start to practice a little self-soothing. Take a breath and feel the stress in your body for a moment. Remind yourself that you can handle this, and that you’re safe. Whatever your sweetie has to say, you want to know what it is.
Slow down so you can listen without preparing your own counter statement.
Some phrases that can go with this mode of self-soothing so you can listen are:
Tell me more about this.
Can you slow down a little bit?
I’m trying to understand this.
I’m starting to get anxious, but I want to hear what you’re saying.
Don’t worry too much about saying the right thing. You’re accomplishing a lot if you can just stay present and show that you’re listening. There might be a part of you that is ready to get defensive or shut down or jump to fixing the problem. Notice that and choose to listen instead.
Need some help with your relationship? Call us at 510-826-3359 or set up a free consultation now to find out how we can help.
