Four Behaviors That Damage Your Relationship. Part 2: Criticism
As couples therapists, we help people identify the negative behavior patterns they are engaging in so that they can change them. When you’re arguing, there are four behaviors to avoid the most: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute discovered in 40 years of research that the more couples engage in these four behaviors, the more likely they are to divorce or split up. Each of us tends to fall into one or two of these behaviors when we’re not communicating well. Last time we talked about stonewalling, which is shutting down and getting quiet during conflict. Now we’ll focus on criticism. Any time you are describing your partner negatively or blaming, you’re falling into criticism. This ranges from mildly critical statements like “you’re always late” all the way to abusive name-calling. Criticism is so common that it happens in small amounts even in some of the happiest long-term relationships. Those happy relationships just exhibit a lot less criticism than unhappy relationships do.
Why do we criticize?
Criticism tends to happen when you feel angry or hurt and you feel worried that your partner won’t take you seriously. At these times it may feel tempting to blame or label your partner. A lot of us grew up hearing criticism as a daily communication norm, so we don’t even notice right away when we’re falling into it.
Why should we stop?
The problem is, when you get critical, your partner is likely to feel defensive. John Gottman has said that no one but the Dalai Lama can listen to criticism without feeling defensive, and he points out that the Dalai Lama isn’t married. Just like all behaviors in an argument, criticism is part of a pattern that both people get caught in. When one partner stops using criticism, the other partner’s responses inevitably change too. When you don’t criticize, you receive better understanding from your partner.
The antidote to criticism
If you want to cut back on criticism it doesn’t mean you need to be positive all the time. When you’ve got a problem to bring up, do it! Just make your complaint without blaming your partner. Describe your experience rather than describing your partner’s shortcomings. For example, instead of saying “you’re inconsiderate,” try “I feel hurt that you didn’t call me today.” In the second statement, you’ve named your feelings about the situation as you experienced it. A mantra to try while you’re unlearning criticism is “describe yourself, not your partner.”
If you need help changing your communication patterns, schedule a free consultation now and find out how couples therapy can help.
